I never thought an action film set in space could be so awful… But then I saw Lockout.

Lockout Reaction: Crap…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I missed Lockout at the cinema, due to the projector breaking, then it abruptly stopped showing a couple of days later. Now that I’ve finally seen it I understand why it wasn’t around for very long… it’s poop. It’s such a shame as well, the cast is pretty decent Guy Pearce (Lawless) and Maggie Grace (Taken). Plus it’s an original idea from Luc Besson (Leon, Taxi and Fifth Element). Taking this into account I was actually pretty excited to see this film, it didn’t live up to expectation not one bit.

The plot sounds awesome. The president’s daughter (Grace) is up visiting the prison in outer space when everything goes tits-up and all the the convicts are awoken from their slumbers and take over the prison. Snow (Pearce) has recently been wrongly convicted of conspiracy to commit espionage against the U.S.A. and in order to earn his freedom he is sent on the impossible mission of rescuing the president’s daughter and returning her safely to Earth.

Despite how cool the story sounds, the cringy one liners Pearce says and the insanely predictable outcomes ruin everything. Literally every time Pearce speaks it is an obnoxious joke of some kind and it’s awful.

Overall Verdict: Very disappointing, nothing stands out in a good way in this film. To be fair the action scenes are alright, but the car chase at the beginning looks disgustingly fake and tacky. The idea is great, however the execution is shocking, can’t believe I spent a tenner on this DVD.

SHIT – (Seriously Horrible Insulting Trash)

I never thought so many other Alien films could be ripped off so much by one film… but then I saw Storage 24.

Storage 24 Reaction: Why are films like this even made??

Storage 24 is awful. Luckily hardly any cinemas are showing it anymore due to practically no one paying to see it, but when it arrives on DVD/Blu-Ray, don’t even chance it.

I went into this film with the idea that an alien film set in London can’t be that bad. British films are usually quite good when compared to a Hollywood film with a ludicrous $$$ budget, so I thought I may actually enjoy this film. The only thing this film gave me were a few laughs at some funny scenes. Scenes that I don’t even think the film-makers intended to make comedic.

The acting is awful. An alien is locked inside a warehouse with several people trapped inside, and the only thing Noel Clarke (Kidulthood, Adulthood, Dr. Who) cares about is getting back with his ex-girlfriend. The actors seem to run around as if they’re part of Mystery Inc, and that chasing monsters is part of their day to day lives. No, you morons! Run away! Talk about your pathetic relationship troubles later! Idiots.

The horror is suspense-less and blunt. The place is pitch black, then the alien’s head appears. That’s meant to frighten us. There’s no skill in that?! You need to build the audience up, even I know that and all I do is write about films, I wouldn’t know how to make one. But it seems like I’d know better than this shit director. Other parts of the horror are just purely funny. A man gets ripped in two from the waist down. He’s obviously dead, right? Wrong. Around 2 hours later, he magically comes alive again, only for a second, and then dies. It just isn’t logical. It’s not scary because it’s so unrealistic. It’s just funny that director thought that would be scary to the audience.

The alien itself is basically a ‘prawn‘ from District 9. In fact, it’s exactly like that. Sounds the same, looks the same.

Overall verdict: I’m glad I watched it, so that I knew how shit it was, otherwise when it came out on DVD/Blu-Ray, I may have been tempted to buy it. Now I can luckily pass on my knowledge of this film to you guys, and let you know that it’s absolutely…

SHIT – (Seriously Horrible Insulting Trash)

I always thought the Biebster would eventually grow up… but then I heard Justin Bieber’s “Boyfriend”.

Boyfriend Reaction: I can’t even watch, so cringeworthy.

Two points need to be said before starting this review:

1, Do you like my new poster?? If you haven’t realised by now, I’m a huge Cabin in the Woods fan boy.

2, Lockout isn’t being shown in our cinema anymore?? What the hell? It was out for just over a week, during which the screen projector broke, and then I fell ill. How can it stop being shown after such a short amount of time. If anything, this has prompted Ben and I to make sure we see films that are released at the cinema as soon physically possible.

Now, as easy as it could have been, a review about a Justin Bieber track could easily have been a collection of paragraphs slagging the poor 12 18 year old off. But I’m better than that 🙂 However, since his debut song “One Time” burst onto the music scene 3 long years ago, he has still failed to convert me to a fan of him. In fact, he’s done quite the opposite.

Technically, the song is actually well produced. The producer did well with what he was given. But the whole hip-hop/acoustic crossover is horrible. It sounds like a slowed down, dull, forgettable version of this: 
Bieber talks (or raps, if that’s what its meant to be) through the verses before singing the bland choruses. Overall, the song sucks, and sucks bad.

Bieber’s had a new haircut recently, and what should’ve changed him from being that 12 year old boy to an 18 year old adult actually changed him in to a lesbian. Watch the video, and imagine you’d never actually seen Justin Bieber’s face before: imagine you had no idea who he/she is.

Aside from the fact that he’s singing about wanting to be someone’s boyfriend, you’d automatically assume that the singer here is a lesbian.

Overall verdict: Yes, Bieber can sing. But so can everyone else, to a certain degree. His voice is not noteworthy, his face is not noteworthy, I just don’t and never will understand the Bieber-phenomenon.

SHIT – (Seriously Horrible Insulting Trash)

I never thought I’d be so disappointed by a Bruce Willis film… but then I saw The Cold Light of Day.

The Cold Light of Day Review: Why am I even watching this?

The trailer looked pretty good. It showed Bruce Willis and his son running away from bullets. Standard Willis film, right? Wrong. He gets shot and killied within the first 15 minutes. The rest of the film sees the dopey-eyed son (I can’t even remember his name in the film) running around dodging bullets and being a moron.

It’s the Bourne Trilogy gone wrong. Bad characters, bad acting, bad dialogue, bad everything. It was so bad that, to make up for the whole horrid experience, I immediately bought a ticket for the next screening of The Cabin in the Woods, and then saw that straight after (on a side note: it’s amazing. I’m not a fan of horrors, I’m a big pussy, but this one’s insane. The cleverest, most creative and unique film I’ve seen for a very long time. It’s up there with Chronicle and Drive in terms of movie-enjoyment. 9/10 easy. I’m going to see it again tomorrow, so I can revel in its magic once more).

Alien-supergirl Sigourney Weaver stars as the main bad boss (who coincidencely also stars as the main bad boss in The Cabin in the Woods – when my brother and I saw her appear for the second time that day, we thought “What The Fuck – Sigourney’s following us!”).

There are other baddies in the film, well, I say baddies, I can’t really tell if they are or not. If you don’t mind me spoiling the film, why don’t you help me here. SPOILER WARNING: Some guys take Willis and his son’s family hostage, and will kill the family if they don’t bring a briefcase that Willis stole back to them. But towards the end of the film, the bad people end up HELPING Willis’s son?? Willis son, why are you working with the people that have your family tied up in a warehouse somewhere?? Does this make them bad guys or not??

The film doesn’t make sense. At all. Willis son is a total idiot with a funny walk and even funnier run. He’s a laughable “hero”, and at many times I wanted him to get shot just so the film ended sooner. The only thing that helps the film run smoothly is supporting actress Verónica Echegui, an unknown Spanish beauty who looks like this:

“Oh, so there’s a good sex scene!”, you’re probably thinking, right? Wrong. She ends up being Willis son’s half-sister.

Overall verdict: This film is everything I didn’t want it to be. No sex, no decent action, no cool characters, nothing.

SHIT – (Seriously Horrible Insulting Trash)

Just see The Cabin in the Woods. I don’t know if I’ve said it enough in this review, but that film is badass.